Goodbye

I'm on the flight back to Beijing as I write this.

The train back to London was horrible. I had sick butterflies in my stomach and a weight on my chest. I packed quickly in London, picked up my real engagement ring - the one from Alpha -  and paid online to be able to take an extra suitcase with BA. I know you get 2 with business class but I had shopped my heart out so 3 were needed. I taxied out to the airport and checked myself in. The girl behind the counter asked me if I was OK as I was as white as a sheet. I told her I was about to break up with someone and felt a bit sick about it. We started talking and I explained he had asked me to marry him but I couldn't because I didn't feel the same way. She clutched my hand and looked sympathetic. Apparently she had been through a similar situation a few years ago before finding her currant husband and love of her life ("don't worry, he's out there somewhere for you too!") and "suddenly" there was a spare seat in first and would I like a free upgrade. Sarah from BA T5 check in, where ever you are, thank you, thank you, thank you and best of luck with the baby.

After I checked in I went down to the arrivals area and waited for the Captain. He came about twenty minutes later with a large bunch of flowers. He tried to hug me but I was stiff and kissed him on the cheek instead.

I told him I wanted to go upstairs to departures quickly so we went up and stood near the security area. He didn't ask me why but I think he knew something was up.

Well here goes nothing.

"I'm sorry but I don't want to marry you. I know you think we're perfect for each other but this isn't what I want. I told you when we met that I wanted to travel and that's true. I'm too young to settle down and definitely don't want to come back to London now. I can't settle down and pretend that this is exactly what is right for me because it isn't You are a great and good man and there are thousands of girls who would be thrilled to have you fall in love with them but I'm not one of them. I should never have let you fall in love with me and I should have been clearer that I wouldn't stay for ever. I know you thought I would change my mind but I wont and I haven't. I'm leaving right now. Booked on the first flight out."

The Captain opened his mouth and tried to say something but nothing came out.

He tried again and still there was no sound.

"I'm sorry," I said. "None of this was what I wanted. I certainly didn't want to hurt you."

The Captain rallied.

"You're just scared, you don't know..." I cut him off.

"I'm not scared. I know exactly what I want and it's not this. I'm sorry."

Well that was that. Without giving him another chance to speak I whirled on my foot and was about to walk away when I remembered his ring. I turned back and pulled it out of the box in my pocket and made to give it back to him. He jumped back as if he had been scorched.

"Please, I can't take it."

"No it's yours. When you realize you're making a huge mistake, put it on and come back to me. I'll wait."

"I wont. You shouldn't either." I shrugged though and pocketed the ring again. Then I turned and walked away. I was barely through to the boarding pass check when he shouted after me.

"Wait! Wait! Don't go... I love you!"

I reached the desk and ignored him. The man checking the boarding passes said, "I think that man is trying to talk to you."

I sighed and said I knew but walked through without looking back.