The Kept Woman

Pub Lunch

I'm finally up and about. Being sick was a total bore though I did manage to wonder down to the kitchen gardens with a blanket and snooze in the sun once I was feeling better.

To continue with my day on the 19th of May before I got sick...

I read the paper in silence, settling down for a truly enjoyable day. The bar girl disappeared for a break and Jon took over. He sent over another pint when I tipped him the wink but I was surprised when the pint was brought over by the russet haired young man who had been talking to the bar girl. He popped it in front of me with a,

"I rather think it's my fault that you were almost refused your tab, I'm so sorry." I looked up into an open and friendly face with that glorious English skin and smiled.

"No I rather think she would have hated me on sight anyway. I'm sure when I was that age I hated any woman older than myself who didn't have to do bar work or whatever we did in our youths to get paid."

"I put up marquees and hated every person who went to the parties." He said as he sat down in the chair next to mine.

"Champagne bar that did the season. It was terrible going to Ascot and Henley and all these events and having to wear boring black, not drink and stand up all day."

"Here's to not being 19 again." He tipped his glass to mine and I cheersed him with a "god yes." We smiled at each other and a light bulb clicked in my head.

"You're the new Squire aren't you?"

"Yes, tell me, will I be the new squire even when I'm old and gray?"

"Good lord yes!" I laughed, "certainly until everyone my mothers age has passed away or at least until you're married and have filled the rooms of The Hall with children."

"So not until I'm old and gray then?"

"How long have you been here now?" He grimaced before replying.

"Not long enough. My uncle, the old Squire, wouldn't have my side of the family any where near him so I know bugger all about all this."

"You'll be fine. Just kiss babies, don't kiss teenagers or get anyone's daughter pregnant and hold a feast day every summer. They'll soon love you. Ask for help from your staff too. If they're anything like ours they'll bend over backwards if they know you just want to make their lives easier and better and that you'll listen to their complaints."

"Your staff... What Jim said... are you really her Ladyships daughter?"

"Of course, is it so hard to credit?" He blushed, a deep stain that spread across that silky skin and I marveled at how few men look good blushing.

"No it's just that I've met your mother..."

"And you're amazed I don't have a booming voice, wear tweeds and shout at the locals?"

"Well..."

"Don't worry, based on your uncle I think we were all expecting the same from you." He laughed and settled back into his chair.

"So what's a feast day?" he asked.

"Oh you know, you open the gardens, hire a band, set up a bbq, ask the Womens Institute to do a cake stall, have a tombola and a prize for the biggest carrot or what have you then donate any money raised to the church steeple fund. If you have a famous friend to give out prizes even better. Kind of like the village fair but you pay for everything and charge very little."

"Does you're mother do this too?"

"Goodness no. It would be a terrible presumption. It's the Squires job, new or old." He rubbed his eyes and shook his head.

"I can see I have a lot to learn. God, I wish I had been brought up in this like you." I laughed.

"Hardly. I've lived less in England than I have overseas now. Unless you count boarding school. I just seem to have made an impression with the locals when I am here."

"Yes you do make quite an impression..." he tailed off and we looked at each other. A blush bloomed over his cheeks again.

"Will you have lunch with me? Unless you have somewhere else to go..." I said.

He said he would love to so I jumped up to get the daily menu and we perused it together our heads almost touching. My heart beat loud in my chest and I smiled shakily at him. We both ordered, potted shrimp followed by sausage and mash for me, ploughman's followed by home made steak and kidney pie for him.

The food was delicious and simple. Home made and perfect. We talked and laughed together as our knees touched and my belly tingled. Our eyes would catch and he blushed all the more - a delicate rosy colour that suited him perfectly.

He paid, bless him, for our lunch and offered to escort me home, deeming Hatty and Pidge unfit to guard me. I laughed and let him as Jon the barman winked me out the door.

England, dear England

I'm back in the UK.

You may well ask me where the hell I've been all these months and I could tell you but instead I'm going to shrug prettily and politely ignore you. I've been to many places these past months and not all of them have been happy or interesting. There are many things I am happy to share with you all - my vice, my viciousness, my sluttery, my love of Alpha - but some that are too unhappy, too damaging to be spoken aloud. Far, far better to quietly close the door and shut the window and leave that poor unhappy ghost to silence and things best left unsaid.

Shorter story? I'm back.

But I'm back in the UK. Alpha packed me off to the airport with kisses and love and suggestions for how I could spend his hard earned cash. I'm in the London house right now. SH came over for lunch and we talked and laughed about days gone past. We neither of us mention the Captain but I have it on good authority that he has left the country on business and won't return for some months. Frankly, I wouldn't have come back otherwise.

I'm going down to see Mother, the dogs and dear Mrs M tonight so I can't stay and chat. The London house is slightly too cold and I miss Alpha. I don't want to be here on my own tonight so I'm driving down even though the roads are wet and I would be better off waiting for tomorrow. Ah well. I hope the weather clears up. London is dull and dreary and I can't help thinking how Beijing is beautiful and warm right now with all the blossom trees competing for attention.

I'll sign off now but rest assured, there will be more to come!

Goodbye

I'm on the flight back to Beijing as I write this.

The train back to London was horrible. I had sick butterflies in my stomach and a weight on my chest. I packed quickly in London, picked up my real engagement ring - the one from Alpha -  and paid online to be able to take an extra suitcase with BA. I know you get 2 with business class but I had shopped my heart out so 3 were needed. I taxied out to the airport and checked myself in. The girl behind the counter asked me if I was OK as I was as white as a sheet. I told her I was about to break up with someone and felt a bit sick about it. We started talking and I explained he had asked me to marry him but I couldn't because I didn't feel the same way. She clutched my hand and looked sympathetic. Apparently she had been through a similar situation a few years ago before finding her currant husband and love of her life ("don't worry, he's out there somewhere for you too!") and "suddenly" there was a spare seat in first and would I like a free upgrade. Sarah from BA T5 check in, where ever you are, thank you, thank you, thank you and best of luck with the baby.

After I checked in I went down to the arrivals area and waited for the Captain. He came about twenty minutes later with a large bunch of flowers. He tried to hug me but I was stiff and kissed him on the cheek instead.

I told him I wanted to go upstairs to departures quickly so we went up and stood near the security area. He didn't ask me why but I think he knew something was up.

Well here goes nothing.

"I'm sorry but I don't want to marry you. I know you think we're perfect for each other but this isn't what I want. I told you when we met that I wanted to travel and that's true. I'm too young to settle down and definitely don't want to come back to London now. I can't settle down and pretend that this is exactly what is right for me because it isn't You are a great and good man and there are thousands of girls who would be thrilled to have you fall in love with them but I'm not one of them. I should never have let you fall in love with me and I should have been clearer that I wouldn't stay for ever. I know you thought I would change my mind but I wont and I haven't. I'm leaving right now. Booked on the first flight out."

The Captain opened his mouth and tried to say something but nothing came out.

He tried again and still there was no sound.

"I'm sorry," I said. "None of this was what I wanted. I certainly didn't want to hurt you."

The Captain rallied.

"You're just scared, you don't know..." I cut him off.

"I'm not scared. I know exactly what I want and it's not this. I'm sorry."

Well that was that. Without giving him another chance to speak I whirled on my foot and was about to walk away when I remembered his ring. I turned back and pulled it out of the box in my pocket and made to give it back to him. He jumped back as if he had been scorched.

"Please, I can't take it."

"No it's yours. When you realize you're making a huge mistake, put it on and come back to me. I'll wait."

"I wont. You shouldn't either." I shrugged though and pocketed the ring again. Then I turned and walked away. I was barely through to the boarding pass check when he shouted after me.

"Wait! Wait! Don't go... I love you!"

I reached the desk and ignored him. The man checking the boarding passes said, "I think that man is trying to talk to you."

I sighed and said I knew but walked through without looking back. 

The Bolter

I need to just mention quickly that it never even occurred to me to seriously consider the Captains bloody stupid proposal. What I should have said in my last post was that I needed to get away and be away from everyone who was demanding something from me. What about just going back to China and Alpha I here you say. Well I thought of that but I didn't feel quite up to facing him yet. I also think it's pretty bad form to be comforted by your fiance when your lover makes you feel rough.

I took out my phone and turned it back on. All the messages from the Captain flashed up instantly. I deleted the lot without reading them. Then I phoned the Frenchman and explained briefly what had happened.

"Ah, Coquette, I told you what would happen if you play with silly boys. They get involved. Come visit me, I will make everything all better."

"You dear thing. No men though. I don't want any men."

The Frenchman went silent for a moment, humming and thinking.

"Of course, I understand. Let me think about it, trust your friend to come up with a solution please Coquette. Can you take the Eurostar tomorrow? Is that too soon? I'll meet you in Paris and sort everything out for you. Bon?"

"C'est bon."

I hung up and went to find SH. He actually laughed when I told him what happened but quickly stopped when I showed him the ring.

"Hell babe, this is far worse than I thought. What will you do?"

"I'm not sure but I would like to go back to London tonight if that's ok. England is feeling a bit small for me at the moment. I could do with getting out of the country."

"Bolter," he said without rancor. "Just don't go too far or for too long."

"I wont. I'm thinking spa break. Italy maybe? I could do with a week of good food and massage."

"Sounds great. Well pack up and say goodbyes then let's get going."

So we did. Within an hour we were on the road and heading back to London. When SH dropped me at mine the house felt cold and empty. I made a note to ask Mrs M to give it a top to toe clean whilst I was away.

I flicked through the post and found a couriered first class eurostar ticket for a morning train the next day. I called Alpha and told him I was off to a spa in Italy for a week where they banned phones and computers so I would be out of touch. I tend to have a spa holiday one week a year every year so he wasn't fussed but asked me to come home soon. I know the next time I speak to him he will tell me to come home.

I called the Captain and got his voicemail. I told him the same story but told him it was because I couldn't think with so many people around and I needed peace and quiet.

I slept well that night and was up and on my way bright and early the next day. I taxied to the train station and was soon streaming through the beautiful Kentish countryside to the channel and then the flat plains of northern France. We pulled in to Gare du Nord train station and I pulled my case down the platform. There at the end of it stood my dear, sweet Frenchman.

In one hand was a bottle of wonderful champagne in the other a bunch of flowers. He managed to hug me whilst holding on to the gifts, obviously for me. He took my bags and passed them on to a discrete looking driver, gave me the flowers and sent the champagne away, also with the driver. The driver went off to get the car and the Frenchman took my hand, laid it on his arm and escorted me out towards the exit.

"Well Coquette, what a mess you are in. I wont say I told you so. You have lost your bloom too and have lost weight. It doesn't suit you Coquette."

I told him that I had been fed up by my housekeeper at my mothers.

"Either she is a terrible cook or you were even thinner before. What do you English know about food anyway? I promise by the end of this week you will look and feel a different person."

"Where are we going?"

"Ahhh, not we, you."

"Alright, where am I going?"

"Well it would not be acceptable for you to come to my Paris flat or my home. My wife may come home and how do I explain you? Non. I am sending you to an old friend of mine. She was the cook when my mother ran the house. She is retired now but still as young as ever and has promised to care for you. I think she will leave you to your own devices during the day but will cook food as you have never had it before. Proper home cooked French food. Ah, Coquette, how I envy you. Just you, the country, good food and time to think. Bon?"

"It sounds ideal. She doesn't have a hunky young son or anything though does she?"

"Non. No men, as you instructed. Then when you are feeling better we will have dinner à Paris and you can go home or go to London or to your Alpha or wherever."

The Captain Has a Surprise

SH reached for my hand and squeezed it significantly. The Captain must have just pulled up as he was getting out of the car and examining the old building. Pidge raced off towards him, determined to investigate the stranger. The Captain turned towards the sound of her paws on gravel. Seeing us he stopped and his eyes narrowed.

"Courage babe. I'll go see if M wants a chat shall I?"

"Don't leave me!" I hissed.

"Don't be a coward." With a black look at me SH strode off towards the back of the house and the kitchens. I carried on walking towards the Captain, feeling a bit like an aristo heading to the guillotine.

Well I knew this was coming and I wouldn't back down now. It was going to be bloody unpleasant but had to be done. Then it would be over and I could go nap. I could feel my body already getting sleepy, a sure sign I knew this would be horrible.

The Captain started towards me and I tried not to flinch. He didn't stop until he had swept me up into a huge hug which, I may say, came as a bit of a surprise.

He squeezed me tightly, obviously unwilling to let me go. Into my hair he said,

"We need to talk, Darling."

I agreed and led him towards the bench that encircles one of the oaks in the parkland. I sat down whilst he stood in front of me.

"This week has been hell. I'm not cross that you've ignored all my messages or that it's been damn hard to track you down. I don't even care that SH is down here and holding your hand. I know you were freaked out. I know that you're scared and worried. I know you think this is too soon but I've always known my mind and I know you too. I know you love me even if you don't know it yet." The Captain took a huge breath then sunk to one knee.

"Darling, I love you. I want to cherish and protect you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and have beautiful blond children with you. I want... that is... Darling, would you please make me the happiest man alive and marry me?"

Then came out the ring. It consisted of a large, square, unenhanced emerald with a long baguette shaped diamond either side. The Captain took my numb hand and slipped it on my ring finger. The fit was almost right but slightly snug. I looked at this ring on my finger in uncomprehending shock. I hadn't been wearing my engagement ring from Alpha in England as I had sent it to be cleaned when I first got back and hadn't picked it up yet. This new one felt like a cuckoo on my finger.

"Say yes darling." I looked at the Captain. He looked so confident and happy and proud. Exactly the kind of man that any girl would be thrilled to have. Any girl but me.

"I can't." His smile didn't even flicker.

"Of course you can. I know it's soon but this just feels so right." I panicked, all courage deserting me.

"I can't!" I all but shrieked.

"Ok, just think about it. Keep the ring for now and just think about it. Stay here with your mother for a few days and just think it over. I'll be waiting for you when you're ready. When you realize this is exactly the right thing to do."

He kissed me on the cheek and hugged me tight again. Then he stood up and walked back to his car and drove away, his bright, shiny confidence not shaken at all. I looked down at the ring and thought briefly about hurling it in the lake and flying back to Beijing the next day. No, that wouldn't do. I would think about this but I wanted to get away, further away that my Mothers. Somewhere the Captain couldn't reach me.

Country Air

My grandfather had always said that he would never live in town because the country air was so much better for you. He believed that it cures all ills, bad humors and sickness. Country air, a good single malt and a hot bath and he thought he could have taken on Hitler single handed.

I suppose he must have been right to a degree. SH and I spent the rest of the week together enjoying the country air. We woke early, ate huge breakfasts then loafed until lunchtime when we were treated to another huge lunch. We aimed to combat carb comas by walking off the calories by taking Hatty and Pidge for post lunch walks around the estate. Then afternoon tea complete with scones, cake and three types of sandwiches. Then what? More loafing often. SH complained that he felt like he was being fattened up like the Christmas pig. The day ended with dinner, usually the only time I saw my mother, then SH and I would end up in the family room watching TV and polishing off a bottle of wine.

I caught up with all the characters from my youth: James the estate manager, Bill the gardener, Jim the groundsman, Tom the master of hounds and met a few new ones who had been drafted in to train from the older gentlemen. One day, all this, the house, the land, the dogs, the responsibility, would all be mine so even if I slacked off from it now I tried to keep my oar in when I came back.

I felt better and better each day. Stronger, more courageous and more able to speak to the Captain when I returned to London. SH was going back to London for a gig that Friday and told me in no uncertain terms that he would drive me back to see the Captain then. Whatever our background was the Captain was still a friend of his and he wanted me to face him honestly.

SH couldn't have been a better friend. He left me alone when I needed it and talked me out of my sullens when I started to sulk. He wouldn't let me mope and made sure I had enough exercise (and alcohol) during the day so that I would sleep at night.

We hugged often, always a tactile couple, and would usually fall asleep together. No funny business between us though I suspect this was mostly due to SH not liking to get involved with "complicated" females. I don't know what I would have done if he tried it on but it never came up so we didn't have to deal with it.

Of course, my peace and tranquility was all at an end in an instant when SH and I were walking up the drive towards the house, Pidge and Hatty at our heels, and whose car but the Captains is waiting for me by the house?

Conversations About The Past

"So babe, what happened?" We were still sitting on the sofa, SH's arm was around me, my head was against his shoulder and the dogs were snoring with pleasure as we stroked them.

I stayed silent for a long time, trying to figure out what to say to him. SH hadn't ever mentioned the night when I went home with the Captain and not with him. There are always plenty more fishes in the sea for SH and most of them are fighting to get on his hook.

"I don't even know. He took me have dinner with his parents." SH whistled. He knows me at least.

"I imagine you didn't react well to that."

"Not at all. We fought and I said some terrible things to him."

"Like what."

"Like that he meant nothing to me and that it was just sex."

"So? I tell girls that all the time."

"Yes but probably not straight after they tell you they love you and want to spend the rest of their life with you. Not after their parents have just given you official blessing."

"Ah no, probably not then. Should have spoken up before babe. Should have been straight right from the beginning that this is just sex."

"I know."

"So why did you bolt?"

"We had sex. After we fought."

"Terrible was it? Can't blame you for bolting then darling." I cuffed him gently.

"No it wasn't terrible but it was different. He was still angry."

"Angry sex? Nice."

"It was... Oh I don't know. Angry and then cuddly. Too much left unsaid. I can't be with someone who I can't talk to and he doesn't know me at all. Doesn't know that I'll be leaving again soon, doesn't know me, doesn't know anything about me. He thinks that I'm this sweet, kind, loving girl who swoons and falls in love and cares about him."

"Ah, so you managed to hide the fact that you're really a nasty, horrible, cold fish with a heart of stone?"

"SH!"

"Well come on babe, you're not that bad. Sounds like you got in over your head and now you need some time to cool off. Just wait down here until you've figured out what you want to do or say to him then go and do it. Do you want to be with him?"

"No. God no."

"Well that's simple enough. Are you going to be a coward and disappear or be a man and tell him the truth."

"Coward."

"Babe..."

"Oh ok fine. I'll be a man about it. What on earth do I tell him?"

"Are you really telling me you've never broken up with someone before? Babe, please, you broke up with me remember? Just tell him the truth."

"Ha!"

"Ok, don't tell him the truth. Tell him you have the plague, tell him he's too good for you, tell him he's not rich enough or not funny enough or he has an stupid looking head. I know him, remember babe. He won't accept it and he won't accept anything other than the truth from you."

We lapsed back to silence and left the rest unsaid.

Truth would not be easy for either the Captain to accept or myself to say.

Home

We drove through the night. Dawn was just breaking as we tooled up the long oak lined drive to the house. We stopped on the gravel forecourt as the front door opened. There stood Mrs M, wrapped tightly in her home made dressing gown, a torch in one hand and a shovel in the other.

SH and I both stopped in our tracks. SH took my hand and stood in front of me. I pushed him aside and walked into the light from the torch. Mrs M dropped the shovel and moved briskly towards me, concern adding extra lines to her already worn face.

"What is it? Are you ok? Is it your father?" I shook my head mutely.

SH stepped forward, he had known Mrs M from when we had first met and she had adored his scampy charm. Our families had become friends as we had - though I assume with less teenage fumblings - so had remain in touch long after SH and I had broken up.

"She's fine. She just wanted to come home for a break. Can I stay too M?" SH had been the only person to get away with not using her honorific Mrs.

"Of course you can. You both must be exhausted. Thank goodness the car woke James down at the lodge. He told me someone was coming. I was convinced it was burglars or worse though what I could have done to them with this shovel I do not know. Pick it up for me will you dear? Have you got luggage? Leave it there and I'll come and get it after I've seen about putting our young lady to bed and showing you to the spare room.

"I know the way M. I'll take the bags, you just worry about her." Mrs M nodded, already distracted by my silence. Normally she would never just leave a guest to find their own way and certainly rather resign than have them carry there own bags.

Mrs M clucked and fussed all the way to my room. She made sure I had some old pajamas and didn't leave me be until I was tucked up in bed.

I slept the day away. It's a mechanism I have for dealing with fear or stress. I've sailed in storms that would have Blackbeard sobbing for his mother but whilst everyone else panicked and prayed on deck I went quietly to my cabin and slept through it all.

When I woke it was just past dawn again. I had slept for more than 24 hours. I stretched and sat up, ignoring the buzzing in my head. I turned my phone on and called Alpha to let him know I was down at my mothers and SH had driven me. He's not jealous thank god, just teasing me gently not to string him along. I gave him the home number and said my phone wasn't really working down here so not to expect to get through to me on my mobile. Then I turned the phone off as half a dozen text and voice-mail messages came through from the Captain.

I put on socks and slippers, old English houses have cold floors, and went down to the kitchen. Mrs M was already up and about getting breakfast together. My mother rises early and likes a full breakfast to greet her.

Mrs M looked up at me as I came in.

"Tea? I'll get you some breakfast if you can wait half a tick." I thanked her and moved to the sofa that has always sat in the kitchen. Half dog bed, half most comfortable place in the world, I had spent most of my childhood sitting on that sofa in the kitchen with Mrs M pottering about making something delicious whilst my parents entertained guests, argued with each other and slowly destroyed their marriage above stairs.

Two old dogs greeted me from the sofa. They thumped their tails against the cushions and rearranged themselves over and around me as I sat down. I stroked their heads, noticing more white than ever before in their coats. Hatty and Pidge, both incurably gun shy and therefor unable to work on the estate, had become house dogs when the groundsman realized they would be no good in the kennels. Both dogs were thrilled to see me, nosing about my pockets to see if I had any treats for them. I fussed them and pulled there ears, suddenly sad that I lived away from England and my dear dogs.

Mrs M placed the best cup of tea I know of in front of me and a plate full of scotch pancakes and golden syrup. I hadn't eaten these since I was a tot so I lunged at the plate and devoured them. Mrs M looked on approvingly and nodded to herself as I finished the lot.

"That's better isn't it? You're looking too thin, we'll need to feed you up. How long are you staying for?"

"Want to get rid of me already?"

"Don't talk stuff. You know I'm thrilled to see you. Your mother will be too even if she wont say it. Though I must say she's happy to see that young man of yours again. She took him all over the gardens yesterday."

"That must have been a treat for him," I said sotto voce. Then in a normal tone I said, "he's not my young man anyway."

Mrs M gave me a look.

"Isn't he? Then why did he drive you all the way from London at midnight?" I ignored her and took a slurp of tea.

Mrs M got breakfast together and took it through to the breakfast room. My mother was an early riser, mostly so that she could be out in the garden as soon as possible, but I knew she wouldn't come looking for me. I flicked idly through one of the old Country Life magazines stacked by the sofa and let time pass.

Mrs M came back to the kitchen with the dirty plates from breakfast. She tidied up around me then went to see to the rest of the house. Before she left she said,

"Your young man should be up soon. Tell him his breakfast is in the warming oven in the Aga and to shout if he needs anything." I promised her that I would.

SH came down not long after. I told him I was surprised he was up so early. He grinned and sat down at the old kitchen table with his breakfast.

"Really babe, country hours when in the country, town hours when in town. Can't spend the day in bed here."

"Unlike in town?" He gave me a sardonic smile.

"Exactly. Nice PJs by the way." I looked down at my old striped flannel pajamas and laughed. The legs were far too short and had holes over the knee. I used to wear them at boarding school and was amazed they hadn't gone for rags.

"What are we doing today babe?"

"Don't you have to head back to town?"

"No, the band were having a week off. T is off the booze and wants a detox, P has gone on holiday with his girlfriend and B has a wedding somewhere."

"What about you? What were your plans?" SH looked at me carefully, grinning ironically.

"Spend the week with you of course."

"You dreadful liar. I hope whoever she is will forgive you." He laughed then and came over to sit next to me on the sofa. He turfed off Hatty who immediately jumped back up and drooled on his leg.

"Fatty! Get off you silly bitch. Why can't your mother keep nice smart dogs? Why does she have to have these disgusting old women?" He was stroking Fatty Hatty, as she's known, not meaning a word he said.

SH put his arm around me and we sat comfortably together stroking the dogs in easy silence.

The Fight

We arrived back at my house. I jumped out of the car and slammed the door before the wheels had even stopped. The drive back from the restaurant had done nothing but solidify my anger to cold fury. I walked up the steps to my front door as quickly as I could, hoping to get inside so that I could have a nice solid door between my wrath and the Captain.

The Captain was too quick. Just as I was inside the house and starting to close the door he pushed it open and strode in.

"Why are you so angry with me?" he said. I turned and looked dumb at him for a full minute.

"Why am I so angry? You just hijacked me with a dinner with your parents! Your parents who just about handed me the family engagement ring. Jesus! You ask me why I'm angry?" I turned again and strode away, unable to face him for another minute. I headed towards the stairs down to the kitchen, ignoring him as he came after me.

"So? I wanted you to meet my parents. I didn't know they would be quite so full on but who cares? It's not like they've gone and booked the church. Why are you over reacting to this? You know how I feel about you. I thought you would be happy darling."

I started pacing the length of the kitchen. How could I make him understand that this was just sex for me? One day soon I would pack my things and leave and he would be nothing but a fond memory to me. Didn't he understand that? Obviously not.

I stopped and looked at him, seeing him for the first time. There he was, all strength and pride, but now I saw something that I had ignored for weeks and made my blood run cold. Love.

He came towards me, smiling, and stopped me gently by holding my wrists.

"I love you. I thought you knew?"

A bubble of slightly hysterical laughter escaped from me. This was far worse than I had thought.

The silence extended and stretched out. I could see the beginnings of surprise on his face. My silence obviously wasn't what he was expecting.

"Don't... Don't you love me too?" His voice was small and confused. "I mean I know this is all quite sudden and unexpected but wonderful things can happen in a flash. Just look at my parents. I know that you like to think you're hard and cold but you're not. I see that in you. I see your light and laughter and true beauty and I love it. I love that it's only for me."

I laughed harshly again. Only for he, Alpha and oh Green Eyes, The Frenchman, SH and the rest. I made my voice go as flat and dispassionate as possible.

"No. I don't love you. I don't really believe in all of that happy ever after, one look and we knew crap. I told your mother at dinner. This isn't a relationship. This is sex. Good sex, even great in times, but it's nothing that I can't find with half a dozen other young men. I'm sorry that you confused love and lust and sex but I won't be blamed for that. I never promised you anything and certainly never offered you anything more than this. Just sex. We fuck, that's it."

The Captains eyes glittered with anger. He loomed over me and held my wrists to the point of pain. He moved towards me and I backed up with trepidation until I was against the workbench and could go no further back. I clenched my teeth and looked him square in the eye, ready to take whatever he gave me.

When he spoke his voice was low and furious.

"Take it back. Take it damn back you little witch. You don't mean that, you don't mean a fucking word of it." I tried to stifle a whimper and promised myself I wouldn't back down. His face came close to mine and I closed my eyes against whatever was coming next.

It was totally unexpected when he leaned in a kissed me hard on the mouth. I was stiff and unmoved, unwilling to give him even this.

My wrists were still captured in his hands but he moved so that both wrists were encircled by one of his hands. His other hand moved to my breast and pinched my nipple to that strange boundary between painful pleasure and pleasurable pain.I gasped against his mouth and he used this weakness to slip his tongue between my lips and kiss me so ruthlessly that it felt more like punishment than anything else.

I tried not to kiss him back but my body is a traitor that refuses to see reason. My nipples stiffened and my mouth weakened until I knew I was moments away from kissing him back.

He was pushing me again. Forcing me back until I had to move up and sit on the workbench. His free hand went straight up the bottom of my dress to my knickers. He hooked a finger round the material and started expertly stoking my lust.

This was no lovers caress. This wasn't gentle teasing so that I would be pleasured and ready for him. No. This was him showing me that we did have a relationship, that he knew my body as intimately as anyone, that he could turn me on as easy as flicking a switch. Damn him.

He pushed one finger and then two into me and started to stroke in and out. I really moaned then as I was almost instantly wet.

As soon as he knew I was ready he unzipped his fly and put his cock straight against my pussy. He rubbed it slowly up and down the slit, sinking in ever so slightly more with each length. I wiggled and pushed against him, wanting him inside me.

His lips left mine and went to my ear.

In a low and ragged whisper he said,

"Just sex is it? Just fucking?" I nodded, crying out as his cock bumped against my clit.

"Tell me you want me." I stayed silent, still trying to hold out against him. He rubbed my clit directly and I moaned again but louder.

"Tell me you want me. Tell me you want me inside you." I nodded.

"Tell me." He had me hovering just above an orgasm. I knew I wouldn't get what I wanted until I confessed.

"I want you. I want you inside me."

With one stroke he did as requested. I shouted as he pushed hard into me and started a hard rhythm. He kept talking in my ear all the while.

"Don't fucking lie to me again. This isn't just sex. You and I both know that. I know you want me as much as I want you."

He was playing with my clit again, pushing me closer and closer to the brink before sending me crashing over. I cried as I came, my face buried in his shoulder. He came moments after me.

We stayed like statues, he still inside me, my head against his shoulder. I realized I was starting to cry, great sobs that came from nowhere inside me. Tears ran down my cheek and onto him. He was startled and let go of my still captured wrists. He stood there frozen whilst I cried then pulled me into a hug.

"Shhhhh, shhhhh, don't cry baby. It's ok. I love you, I love you... shhhhhh it's ok, please don't cry." For some reason that only had me sobbing more. He pulled softly out of me and I looked down, only realizing then that we hadn't used any protection. I sobbed all the harder.

He looked down too in a daze, realizing what we had done. I pushed him away from me and hopped off the kitchen work bench. I could feel his cum starting to run down my thighs. I bolted for the bathroom to try and clean up.

I locked the bathroom door behind me and turned the shower on full and as hot as I could stand. I stripped quickly and stepped under the flow. I scrubbed, scrubbed, scrubbed, cleaning every inch of me. I tried to stop myself from crying but under the shower the tears came thicker and faster until I was sitting on the shower floor, arms around my knees, sobbing my heart out. I could hear the Captain knocking on the bathroom door, begging to be let in. He apologized for everything, not using a condom, the dinner, surprising me with his love declaration, being so angry when I had told him it was just sex, the sex...

My tears slowed as I realized that I wasn't angry about any of it. I was angry for myself for being so hurtful towards him. Angry that I was fucking around with a man I had no intention of staying with.

I pulled myself together, a visible effort, and turned off the shower. I wrapped myself in my robe and towel-dried my hair. Then I opened the bathroom door.

The Captain was still trying to apologize. I hushed him and led him up to bed. We climbed under the covers together and he held me tight.

"I'm sorry I hurt you. I wasn't built for any of this." I waved my hand expansively.

"Love?" he asked softly.

"Maybe."

"I'm sorry darling. I thought you wanted me to love you but as soon as I did you were terrified. I've felt you pulling away from me for a few days now, ever since I realized how much I loved you."

There was a long silence that neither of us tried to fill. Eventually he said,

"What will we do? About not using protection, I mean."

I blessed him silently for saying "we" and not "you."

"I'm on the pill. Will there be any nasty surprises for me at the GUM clinic?"

"None from me, I have to get checked out as part of the company medical."

"Neither do I, visas demand rather intimate checks nowadays."

We lay in silence, each of us wrapped in our own thoughts. Eventually his breathing slowed and steadied and I realized he was asleep. I sat up and turned to look at him. He looked so calm and peaceful.

This was not what I wanted. Love? Jealousy? Emotion? No thank you. I would have given anything to have been beside Alpha at that moment. He understands me as no one else does. I needed to get away from the Captain, to clear my head as much as anything.

I slipped quietly out of bed and by the lamplight outside the window started packing. I wouldn't need much. I padded quietly to the bathroom and held a whispered conversation with SH. I dressed just as quietly and tiptoed towards the front door. I sat on my weekend bag and waited until the dull roar of a car indicted that SH had arrived. I scribbled a quick note for the Captain then stole out of the house. The note read: "I need some time to think. Gone down to my mothers. XXX"

SH was out of the car and helped me with my bag. He hugged me fiercely and pushed me into the front seat without a word. We drove off in silence. I turned my face towards the window and watched the greasy streetlights streak past as it started to rain.

That Damned Dinner

I had dressed with care that night. My Captain had told me he had a surprise for me and that I should frock up. When he rang the bell and I opened the door to him he held me at arms length and examined me briefly from head to toe before hugging me tight and telling me I looked perfect. He was nervous, I could tell, and kept stealing quick glances at me. We arrived quickly at the restaurant and went straight in. My Captain gave his name to the door whore and we were whisked deferentially through to the best table. A table laid for four.

An older couple, he handsome and commanding, she elegant and beautiful, were already at the table and they stood to great us. I came to a stop, unsure and confused but my Captain took my arm and put a hand around my waist and drew me forward.

"Come on Darling, I want you to meet my mother and father." I stopped again in complete panic, weighing up the distance to the nearest exits. Jesus, I could be on a flight out of the country within two hours and have Mrs M ship the rest of my clothes at a later date. Too late. The woman, his mother, came towards me, her hands held out in greeting. I took them numbly and let her kiss my cheeks. She was Joanna Lumley blond with perfect, smooth Scandinavian skin and coloring. A gust of some discreet and expensive perfume caressed me. Her voice was cut glass and well spoken when she said,

"How I have longed to meet you! Our dear boy never said a word about tonight to you did he? Don't look so shocked my dear, of course a mother wants to meet the young woman who stole her boys heart!"

If I was looking shocked then god only knows the verb for how I was now.

The Captain took me from his mothers arms, his arm possessively around me again.

"Mother, father, I would like you to meet my girlfriend. Darling, this is my mother, Sara, and my father, Spicer." His father started shaking my hand but also pulled me into a hug.

I should mention that English people of a certain school really don't like being touched, myself included. It's quite one thing to take some strange man home or kiss a randomer in a club but quite another to be hugged or to hold hands with a stranger. Worse, when a bad friend gives you a false hug: the kind where there is little body contact other than a strange draping of the arm over your shoulder. Being hugged by strangers is up there with being sneezed on. I was also trying not to laugh at his fathers name... Spicer?

Back to the dinner.

His father released me and helped me to a chair before clapping his son on the back and telling him he was a lucky devil to have found such a pretty young thing. Pretty? Yuk. Only half a step away from cute.

Hang on... GIRLFRIEND? What? When did this happen? When does sex turn into girlfriend and boyfriend? We hadn't even discussed being exclusive. Now I'm meeting his parents? Little did I know. Meeting the parents would be the least of the evening.

We all sat down and I tried not to glare at the Captain for tricking me into this dinner. I gave myself a mental shake. I might be a terrible flirt and as easy as 1,2,3 but I'm not the kind of girl to make a scene or embarrass someone in front of their parents. He wanted a girlfriend did he? Well tonight he would have one.

I smiled brightly and shifted my chair slightly towards him. He put his arm around me again (I was really starting to hate that) and looked intolerably pleased with himself.

"So dear, our young man has been telling us so much about you. You have lived overseas I gather but have now moved back to London?"

I smiled warmly at her.

"I travel a lot certainly. I hadn't planned to stay in London but this trip was rather unexpected." I dropped my voice huskily on the final word and looked directly at my Captain. He actually blushed then and avoided his fathers eye.

"Yes, normally he's my boy is our best employee but he's been mooning about this place since you turned up. I think we're all hoping you stay so that we can get some work done. I wouldn't like to think of what he would do if you left." Spicer beamed fondly at his son. I could actually feel the love at this table and wanted more than anything to bolt or vomit. This was all getting rather lovie dovie and we hadn't even ordered a drink. Compare and contrast with my family dinners when everyone is saying the wrong thing or not saying anything. It's all pent up feelings and unspoken hurts. Much nicer.

Thank god at that moment the waiter turned up and took our wine, pre dinner drinks and food orders. I aimed for something stiff and hoped it would see me through.

"It's such a wonderful whirlwind romance you have! Spicer and I met at university, you know. One look at each other and we knew that we were meant to be together. Our boy says you were exactly the same. I love the story our boy keeps telling us, how he fell for you when you were singing at that club. He said you had a wonderful voice."

"Mother!" The Captain groaned slightly and looked slightly worried in my direction. I ignored him and simply stored this all up for later.

"It has been a bit of a whirlwind," I said, "I'm not sure I believe in love at first sight but I certainly do believe in fate." Like how bloody bad I must have been in a previous life to be fated to sit through this dinner, I didn't add.

His mother laughed.

"Fate indeed, darling! Here's to fate!" She raised her glass to toast me.

The rest of the dinner passed in a blur of subtle and not so subtle hints regarding our relationship. I was grilled and turned inside out, oh politely of course, to find out if I really was good enough for "our boy" and obviously not found wanting. From that point onwards it was hints on where our relationship was headed. I would not have been shocked if they hadn't encouraged him to propose on the spot.

The Captain watched me carefully with the slightly pleased, slightly worried smile of a puppy who's not sure if he should have bitten the post man's leg.

I sat ramrod straight in my chair and smiled back at him but I knew my smile didn't reach my eyes.

Finally, thank god finally, the meal ended and we stood to take our leave. I was invited to the house in the country, a party the next weekend and to the holiday house in Italy. I inwardly shuddered and said I would have to check my schedule but would be pleased to come if I could.

They left well pleased with me, Sara kissing me again and Spicer clapping his son on the back and telling him how lucky he was but not to dilly dally around but to snap me up quick before some other lucky fellow did.

We walked quickly back to the car and got it. I was rigid with anger and the Captain wisely stayed silent until we were back at mine.