I should tell you a dirty little secret of mine... shhh... let me come closer and whisper it into your ear. Can you feel the tips of my fingers gently touching the shell of your ear? Can you feel my lips against your skin? Are you sure that I'm doing it by accident or am I brushing feather light kisses against your ear on purpose?
Now, to secrets and darker things.
Lancelot (the Idiot as was) wants me.
The weather was cold which, when still in the middle of summer, always makes me long for winter. I took advantage of the cool weather and sat outside a coffee shop over near SoHo. I should say, I took advantage of the fact that the cool weather meant that sitting outside was bearable. Hoody, jeans, flip-flops, hair thrown up in a bun and a scant hint of makeup on my face. This is as much of a dirty secret as Lancelot is - I love to dress down when I think no one will see me. Alpha and the Frenchman are away and there are precious few others whose opinions I crave. Alpha likes me to look my best because he loves me and wants to be proud of me, the Frenchman because, well, he's French. He doesn't understand ill groomed women.
So, to the coffee shop. I was sitting and tapping away at my computer whilst the world slid on around me. I ignored any admiring looks - not so many when I'm incognito - and glared down the one man who came over to say hi.
That was when I heard laughter and someone calling my name from the table across from me. I looked up, annoyed at the interruption.
There, of course, was Lancelot. As fresh and pink as any knight in shining armor he exuded good-natured boyish enthusiasm and hope. Arrogant and faithless, he looked like any other handsome young puppy thrilled with his life and his own good fortune. It was enough to make a Kept Woman sick.
"I wasn't sure it was you but when you gave that guy a look which said "eat shit and die" I knew it must be. What did he ever do to you?" Lancelot grabbed his coffee and the books from his table, came over and sat across from me.
"He sat down uninvited," I said, giving him my best "eat shit and die" look. I do hate being interrupted when I'm writing.
He laughed but didn't move. Gosh, we're all good friend here, I thought.
"Ah! You wound me. I thought we were friends now?"
Right then, I thought, friends it is.
I smiled widely and slapped my laptop shut, hoping everything would auto-save.
"Of course, darling, I'm always thrilled by your company." I assume he missed my sarcasm as he didn't bite.
"What are you writing? I thought you didn't work?"
"Oh, I don't," I replied. "I'm just sending emails."
"You looked pretty intense just to be writing emails."
"Why, how would you know? Were you watching me?" He smiled, still enjoying himself.
"I was watching the pretty blond in the dark glasses. Like I said, I didn't know it was you until just now."
"Pretty hey?" I purred at him, trying to keep my voice friendly and not too flirtatious.
"Very. I've never seen you like this before. It's a breath of fresh air to see you looking so down to earth. It suits you."
I tried not to sneer at him when he said that. Like I could ever be attracted to a man who wanted me to be the girl next door. Mind you, I've played just about every other role that has been consciously or unconsciously thrust on me- eager virgin, strict teacher, playful minx, naughty student, vicious whore- girl next door can't be too much of a leap.
I did my best to let him see a side of me that doesn't exist over the next few hours. I was playful and fun, I rested my feet on the chair opposite me, I relaxed, I wouldn't let him buy me more than one drink but insisted on standing my round. I laughed and teased and spoke "honestly" about my life. He was practically panting by the time the day was more than half gone. If I had realized that all he wanted was Miss Average I could have done it months ago.
We got on to talking about movies when he started telling me about one he had seen recently. I pretended I didn't know it and said I would look for it next time I was at the DVD store.
"Don't be silly, I probably won't watch it again. Why don't you come and get it from mine? Better yet we could watch it together."
I looked doubtfully at him, looking at my watch as if I had somewhere else to be.
"Come on, it will be fun. We can bum about on the sofa and just watch the movie." I prevaricated, making half excuses and making him all the more eager for me. Plus I had a little inward snigger at the thought of bumming about on the sofa.
He badgered and cajoled and I found myself getting bundled out of my seat and into a cab over to his. I sat demurely away from him and watched the Beijing traffic stretch out and contract in an endless concertina of cars, bikes and buses.
He prattled on happily in the car. A steady stream of gentle noise his voice bubbled around me. I let me mind drift until we arrived at what I shall loosely call his apartment.
I was led in and popped on the sofa with a cup of tea.
School boy error by the way, never give a girl your attempting to make a move on a hot beverage. It's too much of a barrier and you run the risk of skin burns if you get too fresh and she tips it over you. No, stick to water, wine and other drinks that wont ruin your weekend if it ends up in your lap.
The DVD was on and the air-conditioning ramped up high. I almost laughed. This was the trick he had used to get me into bed with him last time. I counted from zero in my head. I hadn't quite got to seventy when he suggested grabbing the duvet from his bed in case I was cold.
"Don't worry," I said cheerfully, "I'm absolutely fine."
He tried not to look put out.
I counted up again from zero.
41, 42, 43...
"I might go and get the duvet for myself, I'm feeling a little chilly."
"Oh don't worry about me! Just turn the AC off and you'll be fine."
Slight pause.
"I wouldn't want to put you out. I would rather you were comfortable."
"Don't be silly. We should turn it off, do our bit for the environment."
Longer pause.
We sat quietly for a while and I could almost hear his brain whirring as he tried to think of another way to get me under the duvets and cuddled up.
He went and turned the AC off and I smiled sunnily as he came back and sat in the center of the sofa, far closer to me than he had been.
We watched the movie in silence again.
He shifted in his seat, feigning discomfort so he could slide closer.
I pressed my lips together to prevent myself from smiling.
How was he going to manage this, I thought. I decided I would have to help him along, at least a little. I pulled my hoodie off, revealing a tight white wife-beater that clung carefully to my curves. Then I reached forward to the coffee table to check from messages on my phone all the while being careful to give him a nice view down my top.
I reached to put my phone back on the table. Just as I dropped it he grabbed my wrist. I jumped and pulled back but his still had my wrist. The moment went very tense and still. His eyes were flicking between my breasts and my lips. A light pressure on my wrist brought me towards him and he moved closer as well. I had no idea what he planned to do. I had no idea what I was going to do.
I licked my lips and he almost groaned. He leaned forward, his lips parting. I panicked. This was not what I wanted.
Should I poor my tea over his lap? Slap him? Pull away? Ask him to let go? In the end I turned my face as far as I could away from his so he would have to either make a fool of himself by grappling for me or kiss my ear. Suddenly, his hand dropped limply from mine and he sat back looking shame faced.
I sneered at him through half lidded eyes.
"What? Did you think your big seduction routine would work? Do you think I came here to be roughly pawed by some halfling boy? Do you think your clumsy fumbling could ever turn me on? Please, dear, spare us both from your teenage lustings."
I stood and looked down at him. Disappointment, frustration and irritation warred within me. This boy, this rube, this clod. This is the boy who upset me and made me cry. Who called me slut, whore, stupid, unfeeling, uncaring. Spiteful boy who couldn't get what he wanted, who wanted me single, and punished me soundly, verbally, for it afterward.
Something seemed to visibly snap within him. He stood too and I took a step backwards. He moved forward and I had to force myself to stand my ground. He moved closer and I balled my fists, ready to take swing at him. He grabbed me roughly and I tried to struggle but to my surprise, instead of the rough mauling I was expecting he kissed me lightly across my face. Feathery kisses brushed my brow, my lips, my eyelids and my cheeks.
"I'm sorry," he said, "I'm sorry I was such an arse. I'm sorry I was so horrible. I'm sorry I tried to get you into bed again after I told you I thought you were a whore for wanting to sleep with me before. I'm so damn sorry. Please forgive me. Please can we start again."
"Friends? We tried that before. Look where it's got us." He was still kissing me gently though I stood no less stiff in his arms.
"Not friends, more than friends. I want more than this. I know you're with Alpha but I like you so much. I wish you could be mine but I see that you can't. That you won't. So maybe we could just sneak around. Be together on our own."
I waited to see if there was more. He eventually stopped kissing me and pulled back to look into my eyes.
I shook my head gently and said,
"That's not what I want any more. I don't want you any more. It has become clear, abundantly clear, that we are simply not right for that kind of thing. I don't want it. I can't see beyond everything else you've done and said. I simply don't see you in the light. I also, and let me be very clear now, don't want that kind of relationship from you or from anyone. I love Alpha, he makes me happy."
Lancelot released me and I stepped back. I pulled on my hoody and deftly rearranged my hair. He hadn't moved and I pushed past him to leave. He didn't stop me and I didn't say goodbye.